Sorry to Burst Your Vessel 1

Summary- Lucifer explains his real reason for choosing Sam as his vessel while tormenting Castiel and the Boys.

Humor / Song Parody with a little H/C mixed in.

Takes place immediately after "Free to Be You and Me".

---

Part 1 of 2:

It was Day 7 and Dean and Castiel were no closer to finding God.

After their encounter with Raphael had left Cas visibly shaken, Dean convinced his pal to let him take the reins in the search. Unfortunately, every lead the handsome hunter followed had turned out to be a bust.

The pair had stumbled upon several burritos bearing the face of Elvis Presley, a potato chip shaped like Tupac Shakur and a head of broccoli that greatly resembled an Off the Wall era Michael Jackson, but so far no sign of the Deity they were looking for.  

"I have told you, Dean," the angel scolded, "God will not be found in any flat bread, snack treat or vegetable!"

"Well, I'm all out of ideas," Dean sulked, "If you and your winged buddies can't find Him... "

"I have faith that we will," Castiel said solemnly, "I do not believe Raphael is correct that He is dead, nor do I agree with Zachariah that He has 'left the building'. I believe my Father has a plan that has yet to become apparent to us. Besides, my brothers in their bitterness have forgotten that before the creation of humankind, one of my Father's favorite pastimes was Hide and Seek. He was very good at it, naturally. It sometimes took us several of what you call Millennia to find Him."

"Millennia," Dean snorted, "Well, that's just super duper!"

At that moment Dean felt his phone vibrating against his hip. He flipped it open to see his brother's caller I.D.

"Yeah, Sam," he said, and then paled before Castiel's eyes.

The angel cocked his head towards his friend, instantly concerned at the  mounting panic he saw crossing the young man's face and the hysterical squawking he could hear coming from the other end of the phone.

"Whoa, whoa, slow down, Sammy!" Dean shouted into the receiver, "Just calm down, kid! Tell me where you are!... Okay, hang tight, Bro, we're on our way!"

He flipped the phone shut and turned to Cas.

"My brother's in trouble, you gotta take me to him right now!" Dean demanded.

"You did not want me to transport you before," Castiel reminded Dean, "You said it had an adverse affect on your... bodily functions."

"None of that matters! Sammy needs me!" Dean insisted, "Besides, after all those Elvis burritos, this should actually even things out!"

Castiel nodded in agreement then touched his fingers to Dean's forehead immediately whisking them to Sam.

---

The younger Winchester was staying in a flea bag motel just outside of Walla Walla. He had shoved every piece of furniture in front of the motel's door and stripped the beds bare using the mattresses and linens to cover up the windows.

When Dean and Castiel arrived, they found Sam curled in a fetal position in the far corner of the room, his broad shoulders shaking as he rocked back and forth.

Dean rushed over to his brother, kneeling down beside him and hovering protectively over the stricken man's trembling form.

"Holy Crap, Sam!" Dean gasped, brushing the unruly mass of sweat soaked hair away from his sibling's ashen face, "What's gotten into you? Please, tell me what's wrong!"

Sam looked up with swollen, bloodshot eyes full of pure terror. He reached forward and caught the front of Dean's shirt in a death grip pulling the older man even closer.

"It's Lucifer!" he whispered, sounding all of five years old, "He really really wants me to be his vessel! He... he won't take no for an answer! He won't leave me alone!"

Dean whipped his head towards Castiel beckoning the angel over to them.

"Sammy, you listen to me!" Dean said in a low growl, "Whatever that evil son of a bitch has been saying or doing, you can fight it! You're strong, Sam! You can resist him!"

"No, no! You don't understand!" Sam shook his head frantically, his eyes wide with fear, "You don't know the lengths that he'll go to! He won't give up! He won't let up 'til I say yes! I can't take much more of this, Dean! I can't! I... I just want it all to stop! Oh, God! Please make it stop!"

He collapsed against Dean's shoulder, sobbing into the fabric of his jacket.

Dean held his brother tight, rubbing soothing circles across his back as he looked to Castiel for support.

"Don't you worry, little brother," Dean said reassuringly, "Me and Cas are here now. No sorry ass fallen angel is gonna get to you on our watch! We'll protect you from that douche bag Lucifer, ain't that right Cas?"

Castiel frowned.

"Lucifer is very cunning, Dean. And Sam has always proven vulnerable to temptation."

Dean glowered at the angel. Castiel swallowed hard then knelt down beside the Winchesters, leaning against Sam and petting his hair.

"What I meant to say is that Dean and I are here to protect you from that feminine hygiene product known as Lucifer!"

"Thanks guys," Sam snuffled.

"So, you want some tissues there, Sammy?" Dean asked, "Or do you wanna just keep blowing snot onto my favorite jacket?"

"Sorry," Sam chuckled sheepishly and began to pull out of the embrace.

Suddenly his face froze in a mask of sheer panic. He scrambled back into the corner, his eyes wild and darting like a small animal catching a predator's scent.

Dean and Castiel watched in horror as Sam began to convulsively claw at his ears and beat his head against the wall. They hurried over to try and still the young man's frenzied movements before he could hurt himself or forfeit his security deposit by cracking the plaster.

"No, no, no!" Sam panted, practically hyperventilating, "Not again, not again! Make it stop!"

"Talk to us, Sammy!" Dean commanded, "What's going on? Is it Lucifer? Is he here?"

Sam only answered with a whimper, curling himself into a ball.

"He is here, Dean." Castiel confirmed, "I can sense my fallen brother's presence and I sense that he is about to…"

At once the angel's eyes grew wide. He wrapped his arms around Sam drawing the petrified human closer.

"No... no... he wouldn't! Oh, for the love of Heaven! Please no!" Castiel whispered hoarsely, his own body beginning to shake as badly as Sam's.

Dean felt his heart sink to his stomach as he studied the trembling pair before him. He rose to his feet and moved cautiously to the center of the room, his eyes instinctively falling upon the mattress barricaded windows.

He made a slight gesture with his finger mouthing "Out there?" to Castiel.

The angel nodded tightly before burying his face against Sam's shaggy mop of hair.

Swallowing hard, Dean walked several paces towards the windows. He had no weapon he could use against the Prince of Darkness himself, but his hand found its way to the knife in his belt all the same.

A sliver of sunlight was peeking through the tiny space between the mattresses, bathing the hardened hunter's face in an ominous red glow. Taking a deep breath he took a final step forward, frowning as he heard a strange, but oddly familiar sound echoing through the barricade.

"You guys hear that?" he murmured, "What the Hell is that?"

He glanced back to see his brother and friend clinging even more desperately to one another as the mysterious noise from outside grew louder. Dean's eyebrows shot up in alarm as recognition dawned on him.

"That isn't what I think it is, is it?" he asked, incredulously, "That isn't... Isn't that?... Is it...? Dudes! Is that... Peter Gabriel?!?"

In a single furious motion he shoved the heavy mattresses aside, nostrils flaring at the sight that welcomed him outside the windows.

There stood Lucifer, a sad, solitary figure on the lawn, holding a boom box high above his head... A boom box that was blasting out "In Your Eyes"!

---

Dean stood gaping in horror.

"Is this what Lucifer has been up to all along, Sam?"

"Yes!" Sam wailed, clutching at Castiel's trench coat, "Every day!"

"That monster!" Dean seethed, "How could he subject you to such a tired pop culture cliché?"

"Dean," Castiel called out in a tremulous voice, "If I know my dark brother, this torment is only the beginning!"

As if to prove the angel's point, the haunting beauty of Peter Gabriel's vocals was suddenly replaced by a gruff and decidedly tone deaf voice.

"In Sam's eyes..." Lucifer sang out mournfully, "I see the light and the heat...In Sam's eyes...  I'll be complete...I want to touch the light the heat I see in Sam's eyes...In your eyes!"

"Sonofabitch!" Dean felt his entire being quake with rage. "He's got a Karaoke machine!"

"And he.... won't stop... serenading me!" Sam broke down into convulsing sobs.

Before Dean could move to comfort his brother, he heard Lucifer's amplified voice echoing through the windows.

"That song was dedicated to a very special someone named Sam Winchester." Lucifer said with deep sincerity, "This next song... is also dedicated to Sam... "

The Prince of Darkness cleared his throat as he changed the tune on his machine to LeAnn Rimes.

"I need you, like water, like breath, like rain... I need you since I broke free from Hell's gate!... I'll have freedom in your arms, Sam... They'll carry me through... I need you...."

Sam and Castiel began to groan and writhe huddled in their corner while Dean collapsed to his knees, clasping his hands against his ears.

"It's horrible!" he cried out in agony, "It's like the second coming of William Hung!"

"Truly the Apocalypse is upon us," Castiel moaned, "Just as it was written... This is Hell on Earth!"

"I... I should just give in..." Sam said, miserably, "It's the only way to stop this madness!"

"No, don't even think like that, Sam!" Dean gasped out, crawling over to his brother, "No matter how bad this is... and oh, man is it bad... we can't let Lucifer win!"

"Don't you get it!" Sam whimpered, "I'm at the breaking point... He's... he's got this whole repertoire!"

"You really should let your brother make up his own mind, Dean!" Lucifer called out, "He knows his limits… and he knows this next song is one of my favorites…"

A long, baleful howl escaped Sam's lips and he was once more compelled to slam his head against the wall. Dean's eyes widened in terror as the tune changed again.

"No..." he shuddered, "Tell me that's not... "

"I'm afraid it is." Castiel said with empathetic tears streaming down his face, "It's… Barry Manilow!"

"Oh, Sammy!" Lucifer sang out, "You broke the last seal and I'm grateful... 'Cause you set me free... Oh, Sammy... You came but you left without giving... A vessel to me... I need you today... Oh, Sammy..."

"AARRGGH!" Dean screamed, joining his brother in pounding his skull against the wall, "Castiel! What do we do? How do we stop him?"

Castiel shook his head in sorrow, pressing his arms against his ears.

"Once my brother gets on a roll, he can Karaoke for what you would call decades!"

"And you and the rest of your fine feathered friends just put up with it?" Dean asked incredulously.

"Let's just say it was not only for his pride and rebellion that he was cast out of Heaven!" the angel sniffled, "But now that he's escaped Hell there will be no end to the torture!"

"Yes there will," Sam declared, struggling to push past the others, "It's me that he wants! I just have to say 'yes' and it'll all be over!"

"No!" Dean clapped his hand over Sam's mouth as he and Castiel held the boy back, "You are not, under any circumstances, to give in to that bastard! You hear me, Sam? We are not angel condoms! We're not playing their sick game and nothing can make us!"

Lucifer gave an audible sigh over the microphone.

"I was really hoping it wouldn't have to come to this," he said earnestly, "But you leave me little choice..."

Sam made a pained gasp, his eyes rolling to their whites as he fell limp against Castiel. The angel's entire being began to quiver.

"Oh… no...no...no..." he stammered, "Please, Lucifer! I beg of you, Brother! Have mercy! Not... that!"
"What!" Dean barked, his insides twisting with dread.

There's was a thunderous rip as Castiel's wings erupted from his trench coat, flapping in a flurry of fear.

"Not the Grease Medley!" he shrieked.

"Stranded at the Convent..." Lucifer crooned, "Lilith's blood in a pool... Me with no vessel... I looked a fool... Sammy! Can't you see? I'm in misery... Made a start... now we're apart... There's just Nick left for me... You have flown... I'm all alone... I sit, I wonder Why- -yi- -yi- - Oh why, you won't say yes to me... Oh, Sammy!... 'Cause you're the one that I want! WOO HOO HOO, Sammy!... The one that I want!... WOO HOO HOO!... The one I need... Oh yes indeed..."

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Dean bellowed, racing back to the window, "STOP! I'll do it! Take me, Lucifer! I'll be your angel condom! Just please, please stop!"

"That's very kind of you to offer," Lucifer blushed, "But it has to be Sammy... Besides, I don't know any songs that would work as well with 'Dean'."

"Oh, come on!" Dean scoffed, "'James Dean'... 'Jolene'... I mean, use your imagination, Lucy!"

"Only Sam can be my vessel, Dean," Lucifer said patiently, "He was chosen for this!"

"How?" Dean asked, "How was he chosen?"

"And why..." Sam moaned, weakly, "Why me?"

"It's your destiny, Sammy," Lucifer said, gently, "Here, I wrote a song about it..."

"NO!" Castiel said, with sudden fortitude.

He stood, a determined resolve coursing through his veins as he straightened his hair and tucked his wings back into his coat. He strode calmly to the window and looked out at his wicked brother.

"No more songs, no more charades, Lucifer!" Castiel spoke out courageously, "These boys deserve the whole truth! Tell them exactly how and why Sam was chosen!"

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Little Castiel all grown up and playing hardball with the big boys." Lucifer said in a tone dripping with malice, "I've had centuries upon centuries to think of new ways to torment you, Baby Brother!"

Castiel swallowed hard but held his ground even as Dean moved protectively in front of him.

"And yet... I find, you just can't go wrong with the Classics!"

In a blink of an eye, Lucifer was in the room, pouncing on Castiel and knocking him to the floor. The angel struggled and squirmed, but was no match for his evil sibling. Dean instantly rushed to his friend's aid, drawing the knife from his belt and stabbing Lucifer repeatedly. The weapon proved completely useless as the Prince of Darkness continued his assault on the helpless Castiel.

Cackling with devilish glee, he reached into the back of Castiel's trousers and deftly pulled the waistband of his underwear all the way over his head. The angel let out a yowl of pure agony. In terror, Dean fled from his friend's side to hide behind Sam.

"Oh, the one day I decide not to go commando!" Dean whimpered.

"That felt good!" Lucifer gloated, "But where was I? Oh, right!... Sam, you might as well face the facts and give in. There's no escaping your destiny. You are the chosen one!"

"Tell him why, Lucifer!" Castiel grunted, writhing in his painful bonds, "Tell him how his destiny was formed!"

And then Castiel fixed his brother with an icy glare, as deadly serious as any angel entrapped in a full blown wedgie could be.

"I triple dog dare you!" he glowered.

"Yeah, Lucifer!" Sam found himself gaining strength from Castiel's defiance, "What's the big deal? If you want me to go along with the whole destiny thing, you might as well tell me how it all began. Otherwise, I'll never say yes!"

The Prince of Darkness seemed to contemplate this for a long moment.

"Very well," he said, finally, "In fact, I'll show you..."

With a snap of his fingers, Lucifer transported the Winchesters deep into the past.

---

The brothers found themselves inside a very familiar Convent standing over the Gate that once held Lucifer trapped.

A man sporting a Member's Only jacket and a Flock of Seagulls hairdo entered the Convent and approached the Gate. As he knelt down, Sam and Dean saw his eyes flash yellow and recognized Azazel at once.

"I am here, Father," the demon said, "Please forgive my unfortunate appearance. The selection of meat suits in 1983 is… fashionably challenging."

"Never mind that," Lucifer said impatiently, "Did you find all of the children?"

"Yes, Father!" Azazel answered proudly, "I had to torch a few mommies along the way, but all the kids had their demonic V8! They'll be ready to serve your purpose when the time is right."

"Excellent! And now, I need to choose a vessel amongst their lot. Show me what these children will look like in 22 years."

Azazel brought forth a scrying mirror and held it over the Gate.

"Here's Ava Wilson," he said, conjuring the image of a pretty woman with mousy brown hair, "She's cute!"

"No girls!" Lucifer spat.

"Ok, buh bye, Lily then…" Azazel waved his hand over the mirror, "How about Max Miller?"

"Ummm... too pasty," Lucifer sneered, "I don't want to spend all of Armageddon having to slather on sunscreen everywhere I go."

"Something in a brunette perhaps... Andy Gallagher? Anson Weems? They're twins, ya know..."

"Those runts?" Lucifer scoffed, "Come on, son! I'm the Prince of Darkness! I've got to look fairly imposing when I walk the Earth. Didn't you dose any tall kids? I mean really tall! We're talking Big Foot sized, here! In fact, go back in time and drop some demon blood in Baby Wilt Chamberlain's mouth!"

"No need for all that, Father," the demon assured him, "I've got just the guy... Check out Jake Talley! Tall, strong... Just look at him in those combat fatigues! Talk about imposing!"

"Intriguing... I can most definitely see myself in him," Lucifer said, "But... what I really want more than anything is a six pack!"

"You... you want me to go get you some beer?" Azazel blinked in confusion.

"No, Dummy! A six pack! You know, washboard abs! A stomach you could bounce a quarter off! Is it too much to ask that I not have a flabby vessel?"

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Azazel chuckled, "Look no further, Father. This is Sam Winchester! Built like a prized Stallion, towers over the rest of the men in his family, and abs so rock hard you could grate cheese on them! That'll be fun, actually. You can make Nachos for all us demons after you destroy humanity!"

"Yes!" Lucifer beamed, "He's exquisite! He's magnificent! He's absolute perfection... except for the hair, I'm not feeling the hair. It's so all over the place... What is up with that?"

"Father, once you have your vessel, you can groom and dress him however you wish."

"Good point... But let's keep this Jake fellow and his nice Military cut on the back burner for just in case, umm, Kay?"

"Yes, Father!"

"Seen enough?" the present day Lucifer asked before snapping his fingers once more.

Continued in Part 2…